Patience has never been a strength of mine.
Productivity, yes.
Ambition, yes.
Dedication, yes.
But not patience, not grace, not development as a process with many stumbles.
I am a helper. Someone who gets things done. I am a performer. Someone who thrives under deadlines and spotlights. I am a teacher. Someone who wants to contribute to others.
I move fast so I do not have to sit still. To rest. To reflect. Particularly in moments where I feel vulnerable.
Like now.
Like the last 100 days.
When time and space are not my own. When my life feels held captive by my own sense of collective responsibility. When I have been afraid to leave my own home for fear that others see me as a virus. When we are not free because Black lives have not mattered for 400 years. When I am not free because my past comes back to haunt me.
Pathetic.
Perhaps I am.
Or perhaps that is too harsh.
Or perhaps it resonates because I have said it so many times to myself, and I keep fighting to prove myself (and those who echo my voice back) wrong.
Patience.
I move fast so I do not have to sit still. To rest. To reflect. Particularly in moments where I feel vulnerable.
Like now.
Like the last 21 days.
When I have had to start over again. In a space that is new but familiar. In a space I chose because I wanted more freedom, but which instead, at times, has made me feel like the simplest things are Sisyphean tasks.
Wait.
Weight.
And while there are words of comfort and words of truth, words of affirmation and words of anger, most of all, there is nothing and everything, a fear that if the tears come, they will not end for days, and I do not have days or hours or minutes to spare.
Don’t tell me.
I cannot hear you right now in the echo chamber of my head and my heart where I am spiraling because I see my own failures and I feel my own losses, and I am ashamed because I cannot push past these things to do the work I am called to do, or maybe I can only push past these things to do the work I am called to do.
But what is the work I am called to do?
Wait.
Weight.
Lift.
Uplift.
Breathe.
Release.
Reflect.