I have always wished for a “happily ever after” ending that wraps up neatly in a bow, like a fairy tale or most American screenplays.

If sheer will and effort were enough for such a life, I imagine that I would have found a way there.

However, my real life is much more complex.

It is a series of “both/and”s.

This weekend was filled with joy. I worked hard to center joy and find it in the places I know best: writing, cooking, being with family, resting, running, good food, independent bookstores, celebrating the accomplishments of others, reading, taking warm baths, being as kind to myself as possible.

It was a great weekend.

AND, I am still struggling with sadness, grief, and a profound sense of loneliness, as a chapter of my life comes to an end. It is ending by my choice, the right choice at this time and space for my life, my health and my family.

AND it is still hard to leave — colleagues I have come to love, students who have made a profound impact on me, work where I made a significant difference.

I am grateful for so many blessings in my life, more than I can list, and for a community that deeply loves me.

And, I am exhausted and still default to doing all the things on my own.

I am always focused on a larger goal, working towards a transformative future.

And sometimes, I can only take things moment by moment.

I deeply love my family and friends.

And I need time that is fully my own sometimes to make space for that love.

I can want and need help.

And I can not know how you can support me.

I can really be fine.

And still have moments of sadness, and still have moments where I want more.

All these things can coexist.

And they do because I exist.

Still striving for better balance, and giving myself grace for when I stumble.

Both/and.