I’ve started walking recently.

Pre-pandemic, I ran. I ran a lot (not as much as my friend Jung, but a lot more than zero and pretty consistently). I ran because it felt like the only time I could put my brain on pause. I ran in spite of injuries and exhaustion.

Pre-pandemic, I also ran a lot professionally. I was running from a meeting to another meeting, a session to another session at a conference. Metaphorically, I was running between multiple obligations, from a school site to campus, to shuttle my kids to and from school or activities, from a work meeting to a volunteering gig — it never seemed to stop.

Then the pandemic came, and I stopped running physically.

But, I felt like I was literally sprinting mentally all the time.

I was sitting in front of a computer all day, but I was still “running” from meeting to meeting, jumping from paper to paper, moving from one task to the next. It literally never stopped and it has been the most exhausting (and highly sedentary) period of my life.

I was so tired, and anxious, and depressed (though yay for high-functioning depression & anxiety that hides it all!).

I am on a sabbatical, which is, by origin, a period of sabbath (shabbat) or rest.

But I am realizing that I have still been so busy. I have still been (metaphorically) running, dashing, moving, carrying far too much along the way. I have still been running through and despite injuries and exhaustion.

I am healing, but I am not healed.

And if I keep running, I will never heal.

So this week, I have started to walk, as I move towards rest. I have finished things on my calendar and not replaced them with more things (although there are still more than enough things on the calendar that have not been cut).

I am slowing my pace, intentionally.

I am pulling back and making time for the people I love most.

I am not allowing myself to be defined by the judgment of others.

I am coming back to myself.

I am building back my strength in a low-impact way.

I am planning and taking time away, for myself.

I am focusing on one thing at a time, even if it’s not quite according to plan.

I am remembering to breathe, eat well, and hydrate.

I am beginning to unlearn the notions of moving towards a goal as quickly as possible and beginning to embrace the journey itself.

It’s growth and it’s good.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Step, step, step.

One foot in front of the other, gently, at a pace that can be sustained.