Learning to Listen (to Myself) on Sabbatical

It’s Day 3 of my sabbatical, and I’m already learning a lot that probably would surprise no one who knows me:

  • I overcommit.
  • I struggle to rest.
  • I am trying to do too much for too many people in my life.
  • Care work brings me joy…until it doesn’t.
  • Productivity (in some area of my life according to an invisible metric that I make up) is important to me.
  • I struggle to rest. (Maybe I mentioned that already?)
  • I like to have control and structure in my schedule.
  • I am goal-oriented to a fault.
  • I am deeply loved and embraced by a community that is always willing to hold me accountable.
  • I can dream big if I let myself.
  • I love the people in my life without boundaries and show a lot of consideration for their needs and desires, even to the point that I forget to honor what I need.
  • I struggle with balance.

Here’s what has surprised me:

  • I can dream big if I let myself…in unreasonable ways.
  • I contain a multitude of stories that have been calling on me to write them.
  • No matter how stressful things are, cooking/ preparing food brings me much joy.
  • My community sometimes sees my needs before I ask, and they step into them. They contribute in ways that make us all stronger.
  • I am actually a decent mother.
  • I want to rest, even if I’m not good at it. And I know I need to do it.

I am learning to set boundaries that I’ve never before defined.

When I was a young person, my mother set boundaries for me. She did it because, left unchecked, I would have done all the things. When she died, likely in rebellion and pain and youth and freedom, I did all the things. For all her wisdom in setting those boundaries, she didn’t teach me the importance of how to set my own. I have given lots of reasons for doing all the things and spent much time proving my worth, trying to live up to other’s expectations, trying to live up to my own expectations. I have told myself that I am doing all the things to honor her legacy, although doing all the things is probably one of the exact things she wouldn’t have wanted me to do.

But I can learn. And I am learning. Quickly. Because that I do know about myself. I learn quickly. And I deeply want to build a more sustainable life during this sabbatical.

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