I didn’t sleep well last night.

Of late, I’ve had so much on my mind.

The research I’ve been doing most recently is focused on teacher retention/attrition and teacher well-being/lack there of. I’ve also been reading stories and holding space for friends experiencing racial/ gendered microaggressions. I’ve heard stories of faculty acting in dehumanizing ways towards students and other faculty feeling completely dehumanized by systems in which they can never do enough.

To balance this, I’ve been able to partner with students and colleagues more than I have in the past. I’ve been learning a lot. I’ve been surrounding myself with people who bring me joy. I’ve been showing myself grace, reminding myself that I am enough, and saying yes to the things that I want most in life, including a life with more stability that comes from following my own internal compass rather than directing my steps from the outside.

There are a lot of extremes like this in (my/our/the) increasingly polarized world.

Today, I sat in a meeting and felt (once again) like Asian American students were completely erased (at an AANAPISI no less). Not being one to criticize without offering solutions, I spoke up to advocate for community care and proactive compensation as an alternative to reactive individual healing following preventable harm. This suggestion seemed to be graciously deflected or talked around rather than through. It was a lot.

But also, I brought beautiful flowers to my office, had lunch with friends, laughed a lot, saw my daughter dance in her baile folklórico performance, dropped off a refrigerator to my sister in her new apartment, practiced the Hallelujah chorus from Handel’s Messiah: A Soulful Celebration with my choir, and find myself writing to end my day.

I am tired.

But hope is resistance. Rest is resistance. Joy is resistance. Love is resistance.

These are the things I hold on to, in/on days like these.