It is a new year.
For the first time in many years, in the first two weeks of this new year, I have been held, I have been hopeful, and I have been (relatively) still.
I get stuff done.
I am always running.
I am often running from myself, from my fears.
Sometimes, I am running from what my heart wants most, and then running headlong towards it because I don’t know how to move towards the best things in my life with intentionality that honors who I am, what I deserve, and the communities that care for me so deeply.
This year, I want to move differently.
I want to do less. I want to force myself less. I don’t want to settle for less than I deserve.
This year, I am beginning with a pause.
In pause, there is space.
In space, there is creativity. There is beauty. There is hope. There is anticipation.
I am leaning into these things.
I am still afraid.
But I am sourcing courage from those who love me most. I am learning trust. I am trying to be patient.
I am working to do what makes me happy. I am allowing myself to want and to feel with my whole heart.
It hurts sometimes.
But sometimes it hurts to heal.
I am working on being more honest with myself, with my heart, with my limits.
I am being held (accountable) by those that love me more than I know how to love myself, who stand for better for me when I am unable to stand for myself, who are pushing for what’s best even though, in the immediate, it’s not what’s easiest.
The answers are all around me. I just have to look. Today, my daughter bought a box of “Happy Cards.” She left the one at the top of this post on my desk, and when I went to pin it on my cork board, I was reminded of these things:
It is a new year. I am trying new things. I am letting go of things that I’ve held onto so tightly because I was scared that they would slip out of my grasp if I loosened my grip. I am trusting that what is for me will be mine, and what is not for me has still taught me so much. I am breathing in gratitude, even as I feel sometimes adrift is a sea of grief.
I will breathe.
I will be still.
I will move towards happiness.
I will keep hope.
Happiest of New Years to us all. May we all move towards creating the lives that are our heart’s greatest desires.