I’ve been reading mimi khúc’s dear elia and thinking a lot about unwellness in this new year (by the western/ solar calendar). Many things have struck me from the book, but particularly the idea of systemic or structural unwellness which reproduces different forms of unwellness among us all, and diverse types of suffering. Systems (and societies) that we dedicate our whole lives to (e.g. academia),and that we may intellectually know can’t love us back, actually do us one worse, and set us up towards forced division, dehumanizing treatment of one another, and hyper-productive ways of being where even the winners lose, but the “losers” (those who are so much more vulnerable) lose much more.
This has been a lot to sit with, in my mind and in my body. I am a product of a system and a society that I know has been destructive to my mental and physical health. In trying to do all the things well and to full capacity, I find myself often exhausted and feeling deeply alone, even amongst those that I know love me dearly. I find it hard to relax. I’m always feeling behind, like there’s more to do, like I’ll let those that I care about down if I can’t do them, and that if I fail to perform to expectation (or beyond), everyone will discover that I don’t really deserve to be here (the here varies, but the idea is the same). It’s a lot to hold.
I’ve always felt like there isn’t really any other choice or any other way, particularly if I want to provide for my family and move forward in the field that I’m passionate in. I’ve justified my own exhaustion in that I am trying to help others, pay things forward, impact education and build a better world. These are all true things. And yet, to what end, if I continue to perpetuate unwellness as paving the way to “success.”
What would it mean if self-sacrifice wasn’t the only answer? What would it mean to not compromise on wellness (for myself, for my family, for my students)? What would it mean to prioritize development that honored everyone’s humanity instead of continuing to compete and hope I make the cut?
I don’t know the answers. And as I’ve been sitting with the ideas, wisdom, knowledge in dear elia, I’ve been confronted with how deeply embedded my existence is with unwellness. It makes me sad. I feel a grief for the me who has had suffering as her only option. I would love a possible future without suffering, for me or for anyone. I would love to learn from the wisdom of wellness. I am a long, long way from that. But I’m grateful to be able to dream about it, and to walk towards it, gently, with grace for myself and others along the way.