It is nearly time to say goodbye to the first house that I thought might be my forever home.

My daughter said to me on the walk to summer camp this morning, “I’m going to miss this house. It’s the only house I’ve ever known.”

She’s repeated these words at least twice today.

It is a big move for her. It is the house we brought her home to from the hospital. It is the house that my son has known for the longest period of his life. I, in fact, have lived in this house for more years of my adult life than any other place. I’ve only ever lived in one other place longer– the house I grew up in.

So it is a big move for all of us.

I am exhausted.

In the last few weeks, there have been many hours of late night packing and preparation for staging, selling, moving. As I have probably said before on this blog, it is impossible to do and to think (or to feel) simultaneously and there has been a lot of doing (while trying also to work which took most of my thinking brain) and not a lot of time to think, at least not reflectively, nor to feel.

I continue to be exhausted, but I know that this is a moment that I will regret not capturing if I don’t take time to reflect, to feel, to be with. Even if it is disjointed. Even if I am tired. I am reminding myself that time to feel and be in the moment is a powerful form of resisting urges to forever do and never be.

This last 2 weeks has been a beautiful time of celebrating community. This past 11 years has been a time of healing, rebuilding, and finding belonging in a place where I wasn’t sure I could ever be my full self, in a career where the odds were stacked against me. I could not have had the last two weeks without the past 11 years and I could not have come out of the last 11 years who I am today without the beautiful community that has come to be my chosen family.

It is the end of an era and the start of a new adventure.

Tomorrow, we will say a few last goodbyes. We will drive with our dog (who does not travel well) 1800 miles through places with people who are dear to us. We will leave one home for another.

My daughter says, “Mommy, wherever you go, you have friends.”

It is true, and so I feel so much less alone these days.

I am sad to leave these friends and this place, but I know they will never leave me, that I am carrying these moments and people and places with me. I am holding them in my heart. I know they will come see me, that my home will always be open to welcome them.

I am less exhausted now. I am breathing deeply. I am tired, but I am grateful. I will miss this place, but I see many beautiful people and places on the horizon.

It is a big move.

I have done so much to prepare for this move, and now, I am ready for it, as ready as I can possibly be.

After one last sleep.