I’m just going to apologize in advance if this post reflects my current inability to clearly articulate anything.  I have assessed about 20 lesson plans today and I’m exhausted.  Still, this whole blogging thing is addictive and I have a lot on my mind so it’s time to attempt to write, articulate or not.

What I wanted to write about last night originally was identity.  I’m really interested in professional identity as an area of research and it’s fitting because I’m in such a time of transition in terms of my own professional identity.  One of the big struggles I’ve had in this transition is dealing with issues of professionalism.

First off, I want to say that I’ve never fit a particularly traditional model of professionalism.  As a teacher, I dressed, well, like a teacher, in jeans and sweaters mainly.  I allowed my students to friend me on facebook.  I even adopted (not in the metaphorical sense, in the legal sense) 2 of my former middle school club advisees who needed a home.  While I taught the importance of standard academic discourse, my classroom was often a place of regular code-switching and I developed fluency and comfort in speaking like an urban teenager (minus the rampant racially problematic language).  While not traditional, my professionalism was highly respected and I rarely felt unsure of who I was in the classroom even as others may have questioned what I did.

But, as an academic, I find myself in the uncomfortable position of constantly questioning myself and my professionalism.  Is it okay to wear (nice) jeans to campus when I’m not teaching, but may be holding office hours?  Do I have students refer to me by my first name or as Dr. Hsieh? What tone do I adopt when giving lectures? Do I have what it takes to make it in academia? Even more irritating than the questions themselves is the fact that I’m asking these questions of myself.  They reflect insecurities that are largely foreign to me, given that I’ve constituted a large part of my identity in the professional sphere where people have to this point always respected my work and my way of being, even if it hasn’t always been traditional.

A few weeks ago, in a moment of profound reflection after being rejected from AERA, I wrote these words on facebook, “I am understanding that when you go from being a big fish in a comfortable sized pond to a tiny fish in much deeper waters, you have to learn how to navigate new obstacles. But, that doesn’t mean that you’re a new fish. You have to embrace your identity as exactly the fish that you are and grow to be your own type of beautiful fish in the deep waters of your new home.”

And I was right, so to these words, I will add the profound words of Ellen DeGeneres as Dory the fish in Finding Nemo, “Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming…”