95% of the time, I really love my job and my life.  And then there’s that other 5%…

Sometimes there are things that as an academic, particularly as an assistant professor who values her position and her career trajectory, are better left unsaid.  There are moments, as a mother, citizen and person that are better left off of social media.  But these “things,” these moments, are not ones that even I, with my Pollyanna-ish disposition and penchant for putting my nose to the grindstone and working hard through all the highs and lows, can dismiss with a smile.  They are the things that make me cry in the car on the way home or at night before I fall asleep.  They make me question why I give so much, why I care so much, why I “do too much.”

Sometimes they are large and unjust.  Sometimes they are tiny and based on miscommunication.  But, often they are a product of my strong commitments, tender heart, perfectionism and fear of being misjudged.

There aren’t many things I can do about these moments that go unspoken aside from acknowledging that they exist and doing my best not to cause them for others.  In spite of them, I need to keep being the change I wish to see.

But, man, they can be really hard moments.