For pretty much all of my life, I have lived for the approval of others.

It was the path of least resistance and I hate confrontation.  Just do what you’re told.  Do what’s expected of you.  Be good and when someone says you’ve done something wrong, believe them, apologize, repent, think about what you’ve done and what a terrible person it makes you.  Try to do better. Repeat ad nauseam until you die.

Or at least until you die inside.

This living for the approval of others means not being at the center of my own life.

I was afraid to do the research I wanted to do because the rejection of a part of myself in my research would be too much to bear. I apologized for my beliefs.  I cried at home whenever anyone said anything the least bit critical.  I believed completely false evaluations and accusations that EVERYONE said were false (and gave me evidence against), and that I knew were false.  I questioned myself every time someone left a snarky comment on a Facebook post.  I questioned my parenting choices, my life choices.  I did things I regretted because I didn’t want to stand up for the things that I knew were right, at least the things that were right for me.

I let all of this hurt me and I hid.

I hid behind work and success and my awesome family.  I hid behind pretty words and apologies.  I hid by not going out, by silencing my voice, by losing my appetite and fading away, not deserving the people, places and experiences I valued most.

But, I’m not going to do that anymore.

Because, why?

Because, what am I doing with the time I’m given? Because, what kind of example am I setting for my children? Because, my life is short and I don’t want to die a martyr for a cause only I know.

I am no longer here for your approval.

It’s going to be a process, but each moment, each day, each week, the commitment grows.  Doing my work means not being here for what you all think.  You’re not me.  You don’t live my life.  And, I may love you, but love is not about controlling someone else’s life. It’s about empowering them to do the work they choose, whether you agree with their opinions, beliefs, work, choices or not.

So, I’m still here for you, and I’m still me, and you can like me or not, and I will still love you. I will still work my butt off.  I will still probably cry a lot.  I will still spend far too much time for my own good on social media.  And you, you can choose to support me and love me and follow me and encourage me and together we will soar because strength begets strength.  Or you can choose to judge me, never like any of my posts of Facebook, and only interact with me to put me down, but you know, that’s on you.  That’s on you.  Because I need to be busy being me and being the change, with the people that are coming alongside.

Peace.