I am learning to listen to my own voice.

In the past, I was not strong enough to set limits on my time, energy, value.  I would give and give and give until there was only enough to survive.  Then I would get really sick or collapse from exhaustion in order to give myself an excuse to say no.  Then another opportunity would present itself and I would say yes, and then another need would come forth and I would say yes, and then another duty would arise and I would say yes.

It was a cycle built on my sense that my worth came from my performance and all that I did for others.  There was an ever-present sense that if I didn’t take advantage of every opportunity then eventually I would not have any opportunities at all; if I did not give whenever I was asked, I would be selfish and greedy; if I did not do for others, then I would be left alone.

But tonight, I find myself alone, with a cup of tea, writing this blog, and watching television, and I feel a strange joy.

There is much to be done and I am forcibly resisting the urge to complete my syllabi or work on an article draft (that I am too tired to work on) before I write this blog.

There are people to see, and I am resisting the urge to text people to get together since I have a “free evening.”

I was asked to give more than I had today by someone close to me, and while I gave some, I also set limits.

I am recognizing that my energy, my time, my gifts, are valuable. And, more than that, they are mine.  I can choose. Sometimes the choice will be to work; sometimes to socialize; sometimes to give. But sometimes the choice will be to write; sometimes to be alone; sometimes to say, “Not this time.” These choices are all okay.

This is still hard. It is still not my nature. I still fight against myself. But, I am choosing what is right in the moment rather than what is most comfortable because I want to be able to better hear my voice.