As 2018 begins, I’ve been thinking more about responsibility rather than resolutions.

Martin Luther King Jr. Day is always an important beginning of the year reminder about my responsibility to keep pushing forward towards justice.  Mid-January is also an important time for me personally as it is a reminder of a time when I was very ill and had to take responsibility for my life and my choices, and work towards actively restoring my health. Yet, those reminders so often get lost in the busy-ness (and business) of starting a new semester, and I feel myself pulled towards overcommitment, doing a bunch of things, and being driven by tasks.

On my drive in to work today, these thoughts of responsibility swirling in my head, I realized that sometimes, I resist these reminders of my true commitments, and when I do, it is because I’ve taken on too many responsibilities in my life (FAR TOO OFTEN and non-judiciously), without according myself grace or space to consider that not every responsibility is mine.  I don’t know how to balance the tension between responsibility and humanity.  Everything is packed every minute. I must take advantage of every “opportunity,” such that it becomes a burden. Every time I make a mistake, I’ve dropped the ball and I’ve shown myself to be irresponsible.  I beat up on myself and sentence myself to the penance of more work.

On the same drive, this morning, I realized that I had forgotten something on my way to work and had to turn around (when I was almost to my office) to go home to grab it, putting me behind schedule.  In that moment, I flashed back to my irritation at my son, who also forgot something for a class recently (that I had to bring to him). In that moment, it struck me that I can’t extend grace to others when I don’t allow myself to make an occasional mistake.  Then a friend and colleague with whom I was meeting afforded me grace in regards to something I thought I had “dropped the ball on.” (Actually, this has happened several times recently!) I realized then that sometimes I think I need to do more than I actually need to do.

It’s actually not always that serious.

Not everything is my responsibility.

I’m human (and so is my son) and actually, since I’m responsible more times than not, people don’t actually see an oversight on my part as representative of every part of who I am (or as representative of my overwhelming irresponsibility).

I had to actually reflect on the fact that when people gracefully bow out of things that I had on my calendar, I actually feel relief and don’t say to myself, “Wow, they’re irresponsible.” I also had to reflect on the fact that all these things that I take on that I know I don’t need to be doing prevent me from being present to the very things that ARE my responsibility: a passion for teaching teachers; a passion for greater justice & equity in schools; my children.

Then, I reflected on the power of grace.  I need to remember to extend grace to myself and others. I’m sorting through many things.  I’ve dropped the ball more times than I normally do recently. But, things are going to be okay as long as I’m clear where I’m going, I keep moving forward, I keep acknowledging my humanity and I keep being responsible for what I take on.  I need to make more powerful choices with my time and be kind(er) to myself when I (inevitably) take on too much or take on the wrong thing.  It’s part of growing and learning.

So, grace and responsibility, and negotiating tension.  Sounds like plenty to take on in 2018.