Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. — Philippians 4:8

The above picture is my daughter in my messy bathroom with her stuffed flamingo, Gilda.  She is almost 4.  She is pure and lovely and admirable.  I love her with all my heart.

Here is what I do not love: being a part of oppressive institutions.

Generally, I forget about how oppressive institutions can be.  But every once in awhile, as happens (and and as happens more often to people of color, women of color, mother scholars, women of color who are academics, etc.), I will be reminder that institutions care more about protocol than people.  Sometimes I will be reminded multiple days in a row in multiple ways.

And that is a good reminder because as much as I don’t want to focus on these things, I spend a lot of my time working for and supporting institutions based on my ideals and commitments to the individuals and ideas that make up these institutions (students, colleagues, espoused views, non-actualized missions & visions), and that takes me away, at times, from the very, very best things in my life.

I was done with the weight of institutional oppression before today started, and then the weight got heavier.

But, here is how I will reclaim my strength:

1. Reclaiming my loyalty — I am not loyal to institutions.  I am loyal to individuals, sure, and I will love and work hard for my ideals and for the people that I have always served at the heart of my work, but I also need to dedicate myself to the people who care about me and my own self-preservation.  The institution doesn’t care if I burn out or how hard I work.  I am expendable to the institution, but not to the people I love deeply and who care also for me.
2. Focusing on what’s important — You can’t stay mad when you’re looking at an adorable 3 year old who is half of you and is SO EXCITED about a stuffed flamingo.  Good tacos and gazpacho with mochi for dessert helps too (hey, what I can say? It’s an eclectic international meal)
3. Breathing — One of my best friends observed (about 20 years ago) that I hold my breath when I’m stressed.  So, I will consciously breathe deeply, and breathe out the weight that I’m feeling.
4. Making new choices — I can’t keep doing the same things and expect for the institutions to change. I have to be intentional with my time and energy.
5. Working for change — I know change comes through solidarity and coalition, through voice and movement, through making choices that honor my values and commitments rather than obligation and the status quo.

I’m done with today, but I’m also done with letting the oppressive institutions I’m embedded in take any more of my energy.  Frankly, I have given a lifetime of energy to them already and they didn’t deserve most of it.  I am making a new choice now.  It is time for change.