I’ve been struggling in the last few weeks with whether I should go up early for tenure or proceed on the normative timeline.

In talking with colleagues, the advice ranges from, “If you think you’re ready, go up!” to “If you don’t need the money, don’t feel like you need to put the extra pressure on yourself,” and “It’s really up to you and what works for your life right now.”

I know all of that is true, but I’m struggling with the sense that I would be selling out on myself if I don’t try to go up early vs. the intense time pressure during an extremely busy part of life and the school year vs. the time I’ve already put into crafting a tenure review narrative vs. a string of recent rejections.

I seriously change my mind every day–sometimes several times a day.

It is not a fear of failure and not getting tenure.  I know that if I put up my file early and I am denied, I am as confident as one can reasonably be that I will be granted tenure in the next cycle (my normative timeline), so there aren’t “real” institutional consequences for trying.  It won’t be a blow to my ego either, as I’m aware of the area in which my file could be improved that’s giving me reservation.

What I am struggling with is putting forth a file that fully represents who I am and my work over the time I’ve been at my institution.  While I am proud of my work, and in some ways, it speaks for itself, my reflection and narrative were rushed, and for someone who values the reflective part of the review process, that causes me pause. I have pieces that I want to see through the publication process that have been revised multiple times.  I have a rejected grant proposal that I want to revise (or at least pilot a study from) and submit to a new funding agency.  And, the urgency I’ve created seems artificial since I don’t need to go up early.

However, tenure promises certainty, stability, and a raise, which is always a great thing.  Beyond the money though, a sense of certainty is critical to my own sense of well-being and continuing the course I’ve started, working on projects that are truly important to me without the worry of having to prove myself to a review committee.

I just don’t know.  I have 9 more days to decide and I’m sure I will waiver until I send the memo saying that I would like to be considered for early tenure or until the deadline passes.  I know this problems is minor in the longterm scheme of things, but it occupies valuable space in my mind.

For today, though, I need to focus on connecting with my students’ literacy histories, my colleague’s paper draft and our next college meeting.  Just a pause here to unload these thoughts from my mind.