I’d like to be a more laid back, “go with the flow” kind of person, someone who is flexible and relaxed, accommodating with time, and free spirited.

I’d like that, but it’s just not who I am (at least not at this point in my life).

In an effort to both be more mindful and more reflective, I noticed, beginning yesterday and continuing until…well, right about now, how uptight I am about time, scheduling, and routine.

I was raised in a household where you take care of obligations first, and then you can play (or have fun).  I would always come home from school and immediately do my homework before watching television or doing some other leisure activity.

As an adult, I have internalized this idea, and made it part of my routine.  On days when I am supposed to run, I run first thing in the morning.  Given my commitment to this writing challenge, I blog first thing in the morning. (I am also freshest in the morning and I know that if things are going to get done, they are most likely to get done well before I begin responding to the many fires that will undoubtedly erupt during the day.) I also try to plan things with enough time and forethought that I have space to get to my next scheduled obligation with plenty of time to spare.

Today, it did not really work this way, and it was so interesting to see my internal stress at it all.

I’m going on a trip this weekend to see a lifelong friend. It’s a trip that is for me (and her too) and should be a ton of fun.  Cue guilt.  Because I’ll be meeting another friend to walk in the morning, I won’t be running 9-miles.  So, I had planned to do my long run this morning, but I had to reschedule a dentist appointment (at the last minute) which meant no time to run. The dentist appointment was right after my husband’s so I decided to carpool with him then drop him off at work, not accounting for the extra time that my filling would take. Sigh. After dropping him off, I headed (in the opposite direction) to my next meeting (which was great), but didn’t have time to stop home to check on my son.  Another change in plans. And, because I’m taking on the second exercise in Levy’s Mindful Tech book (Intentional e-mail), I knew I’d have to take 15-30 minutes of uninterrupted time to address the e-mails I needed to before I could blog and finish packing then go to pick up my husband so he could drop me off at the airport.

Whew!

Miraculously (or at least to me, it seems miraculous), everything got done (or is getting done — I still need to wrap this up and pack my books for my trip. and I’ll have to do my 9-miler this weekend) and actually, it’s fine.  This blog post is what it is. The mileage will get done. I’m going to make it to the airport at the time I wanted to.  It all got done.

Today, I got the insight that, in my every day, academic life that is not “vacation” based, I am clearly doing too much that leaves me stressed when any small thing doesn’t go according to plan.  But, I also got the insight that it’s possible to bring your awareness to the present moment and be intentional even if things are out of your routine.  I was able to be present.  I was able to be flexible. And, it’s all going to be fine.

Hmmmm.

So, maybe I’m not as laid back, or “go with the flow” as I’d like to be, but maybe I’m becoming more of who I need to be, and some of that includes building in more flexibility.  Maybe, being mindful is allowing me to choose more intentionally and to recognize that balance can only be achieved if I let go of some things and try to develop new habits.  Maybe.