We’re moving towards the end of the 30-day writing/blogging challenge I’m doing with my friends, Wes, Darlene & Anna, and it’s been a powerful month of self-reflection.  I’m definitely ready to engage (and I have been engaging already) in other types of writing, but developing a habit or discipline of public blogging each day has been important.  It forces me to stop, sit and think about what I want to say to the world, and what’s on my mind on any given day.

Today, what’s on my mind is how to really care for myself.  I wrote a list of my favorite things early in the challenge and as I was reviewing it this morning, I could see that being with those people, in those places, with those things, focused on those ideas, definitely is engaging in self-care.

But, while some of the people, places, things and ideas are easily integrated or clearly a part of my everyday life, I don’t always feel like I’m caring for myself, even when I’m engaged with my favorite things. In fact, self-care has even more to do with who and how I’m being towards myself than who or what is around me.  I mean it is called “self” care.

Example: I could be comfortably sitting in my home (one of my favorite places) with my family (some of my favorite people) with fresh cut flowers sitting on the table and a cup of tea next to me (some of my favorite things).  Surrounded by joy and love (two of my favorite ideas),  I could still be incredibly stressed, not present and silently beating up on myself.

Why am I beating myself up?

I am focused on what is left to do, what hasn’t been done, what I should have said no to, what should have gone differently.  I am mean to myself, lacking self-compassion, and, often, I am exhausted.

I could be doing all the things right, in terms of engaging in actions of self-care, but if I don’t have self-love and self-compassion, if I’m not present, it not only feels empty, but it is incredibly frustrating.  I mean, here I am, surrounding myself with all the things that should make me feel relaxed and happy, and I’m just exhausted and angry (at myself).

Many times, I am my own worst enemy on this front.

So what have I learned?

1. Self-care isn’t always my favorite thing(s).  Sometimes, it is the discipline of drinking enough water, eating the foods that make me feel good, moving (even on days I’m not running) and getting enough sleep.
2. I have, for 24 years, since the day my mother died, over scheduled myself and taken on too much as ways to not only feel like I’m productive and worthy, but also to avoid thinking about things that make me sad or frustrated.  This doesn’t work.  And, it’s detrimental to my well-being because I can’t be present to moments of joy.  I’m not beating myself up about this.  It was, for many, many years, the way that I survived, and I’m grateful for my survival.  But, surviving and thriving are not the same goal.  And self-care is an integral part of thriving.  So, I need to continue working on saying no, committing less, and taking things off of my plate. If I disappoint some people, as inevitably will happen, it will be okay.  I will, at least, work on not being disappointed in myself for my humanity.
3. It’s going to take time.  Self-care and self-compassion can be commitments, but it’s not like I can undo 40-years of mental self-flagellation in 30 days of writing (or even 40).  I also just can’t see myself going to some other extreme where I eschew all responsibilities and become flaky.  That would just lack integrity.  So, I’m going to have to experiment and work on it, noting what works and what doesn’t and moving towards the goal, slowly but surely.

All of that, I’m coming to be okay with.  I am taking a deep breath, rereading this post, and acknowledging that I’m moving in the right direction.  And that has made all the difference.