I have pretty much been on auto-pilot since Monday.

I have been in periods of survival mode for so long that the last 4 days have somehow seemed relatively normal.  It’s a little harder to remember things. It’s harder to focus.  It’s harder to stay present.  I want to be on social media or watch junk television more. But I’ve been eating and gotten the things done I’ve needed to (even if they weren’t at my best).  I’ve been running and working and studying, even though all the things are taking more effort.

I’ve been doing the best I can.

Today, at the start of class, we took 30 minutes to do a community circle. I had been thinking since Tuesday about how to engage with the lockdown, and last night, had realized that after 6 weeks of explicitly working on trying to build community on a foundation of compassion and mindfulness, that a community circle might be the best way for us to try to give space to something that had broken the safety of our campus community.

We opened the circle with 3 mindful breaths on a 4-4-4 (inhale-hold-exhale) count, then I asked the question, “What makes you feel safe?”

Next, I asked, “What happened and what were you thinking at the time of the incident?”

We continued with, “What have you thought about since?”

Then ended our circle with, “What do you think needs to be done to make things as right as possible? And what is our role as humans and educators?”

It was not a perfect circle (literally, I mean, we just didn’t have the space for a 24-person circle, but also figuratively, in that there are things I likely would have done differently to open the space in different ways to more of the voices in the room), but it was the first time in 4 days that I had taken a mindful breath.  It was the first time in 4 days that I had brought myself to be completely present with people.  It was the first time in 4 days that I could actually feel what I had been holding in my subconscious (even as I wrote about it on Tuesday).

We closed the circle with 3 more mindful breaths.

As we moved the furniture back and transitioned into class, I felt like myself, certainly for the first time since Monday afternoon, but maybe for the first time since long before Monday afternoon.

Sometimes, the academic semester seems like a long exercise in survival, moving from one thing to the next without a moment to stop and be present, and be in community. Monday’s lockdown just heightened that feeling.

But today, I am reminded of the power of community, in the form of imperfectly facilitated community circles, in the form of so much still there, in the form of texts and tweets and hugs.  I am reminded of the power of breath and of our stories, to bring us back to ourselves, to remind us of our lives.

Today, I did my best.