Today, there were beautiful people and beautiful moments and joy and community in those beautiful people and beautiful moments. For that I am grateful. Community, beauty, joy, moments are keeping me alive.

But today, I realized that I am completely broken.

I have been cracking for awhile, hairline fractures belying the tensions of this time that have been causing me pain and making me sick.

But today, I broke.

It could have happened any day, really. But, it was more likely on a Monday, a day filled with all the meetings and e-mails that were held back from over the weekend, a day where I was misunderstood from above, below, and to the side, a day when there was too much to do and never enough time.

I cannot keep trying to explain myself.

I cannot keep triple booking myself and working harder than anyone and everyone I know.

I cannot keep brushing myself aside. I cannot keep putting my family, my health, my well-being, behind my productivity.

I know my productivity is not my worth.

But ironically, the more I feel the tensions pulling me apart, the harder I work.

It has been the only way to prove my worth.

I have been breaking.

But today, I broke.

Today, I felt like crying the entire day. There was no shaking it once I got into the rhythm of work. There was no smiling and laughing it away.

Today, I felt the weight of all I am carrying the entire day. There was no relief even in the offers of support.

Today, I broke.

But there is hope for the broken.

Even today, there was hope, if I could bring myself to listen. There was support. There were the reminders that I could let go and people would be there to catch me. There were reminders that people appreciate who I am, the work that I do, and the heart that I do it with, but more importantly that they appreciate my life, my existence and my well-being above all that I produce.

But, if I am to embrace hope, I have to choose it.

I have to choose a future.

I have to choose a hard stop.

I have to choose myself.

I cannot gather myself, the pieces of myself, if I cannot recognize the truth of my brokenness.

I cannot heal, cannot pour the gold into the cracks to reassemble myself, if I keep going this way.

Today, I realized that I am completely broken.

It is hard to see myself in pieces.

I hate it.

But I will keep breaking into smaller and smaller pieces until I crumble to dust or become unrecognizable.

If I am to embrace hope, I have to choose it.

I have to choose a future.

I have to choose a hard stop.

I have to choose myself.