I am very bad with transitions.

When I can breathe and treat myself with grace and generosity, I can see that it is understandable that transitions and uncertainty are stressful for me.

I am a trauma survivor.

My experiences with multiple acute traumatic incidents over time and prolonged grief have led me to crave certainty, security and quick resolution.

But my empathetic, caring nature and my life circumstances have led me to multiple situations in which transitions are necessary, and are not necessarily bad, but are inherently stressful.

I’m stressed, Friends.

My sister arrives on Sunday and I am so grateful for her arrival. I am so grateful that she is safe, that she has a home to come to, and that we have the support of other family and an incredible community to welcome her.

But it’s stressful for a million and one reasons.

One of the main reasons is because this transition reminds me of past transitions when I felt I couldn’t or didn’t do enough; I didn’t make the right decisions; I failed the people I loved.

I don’t want to fail my sister.

I know my father and my sister’s mother are both deeply grateful and are trusting me to keep my sister safe.

But we live in such an unsafe society right now to be a young Asian American woman, and a new immigrant.

I know my sister is also deeply grateful and is looking forward to being with our family.

But we have lived such different and separate lives. I am old enough to be her mother, but I am not her mother. I worry about respecting her agency, but guiding her with the love and respect that she needs.

I have felt like a failure before, to my own children, whom I deeply love.

What if I fail my sister too?

Again, when I am generous with myself, I can recognize that I am not a failure, that I have made mistakes as a mother and I will likely make mistakes as an elder sister, because I am human and humans make mistakes. But I have never failed to take responsibility for my mistakes, and I have always come back to a baseline of deep respect for my children, just as I will do with my sister.

This is not an easy situation. It is not an easy transition.

It is certainly harder for my sister than for me. I recognize this and am only centering my own challenge with transitions so that I can be more prepared to welcome her in four short days.

My therapist will almost certainly remind me tomorrow that I am a different person with different resources than I was during previous transitions, and she will be right.

I am not going through this transition alone.

I am very bad at transitions alone, perhaps I will always be.

But, I have an incredible community that has been with us throughout this whole journey. I am so moved by my community’s love and commitment to me.

Honestly, I worry about failing you too.

But, I remind myself to breathe.

That part of being in community is trusting myself, and trusting your belief in me and trusting you that you can see the best in me when I am struggling with the weight of transition.

This transition is hard, Friends, but I am grateful to not have to do it alone.