What does is mean to put myself first? To prioritize not just my needs, but what I want, yet remain committed to community care?
This is my current inquiry.
My whole life has been spent thinking that I should prioritize others, the work I have to do, the work that others call me to do, that I’m good at, for the greater good. I have spent so much time denying that I even have desires for better, let alone reaching for them. I have prioritized what seems to be the most obvious paths forward, that in some ways seem simplest because they are the expected paths, but in other ways bring complexity and questions about why I don’t have joy even though I’m doing “what I’m supposed to.”
However, in this last 12 months, I’ve found inspiration. In my work and in the relationships I’ve cultivated. I’ve found myself living moments of true joy, bliss, and peace. For someone who has been searching for these feelings for years and had thought they were somewhat unattainable, these moments have been life altering and transformational. I’ve felt movement that propels me towards the things that truly matter to me, towards pushing beyond what is comfortable or expected, towards the desires of my heart, spirit and mind.
And yet, in this, or perhaps in spite of it, I feel myself being pulled back.
There is a strong pull back to the “right path,” the path that I’ve always walked, the path that seems logical given the path I’ve been on.
It hurts to diverge from that path. It is difficult to stray away. It is not the simplest thing to walk towards this joy, even with the love and support of community.
It feels completely right and completely wrong at the same time.
It is new and different and requires a courage and investment in myself that I don’t really know. I know how to be courageous for others. I know how to sacrifice for community. But I don’t know how to prioritize myself, my heart, MY work and calling.
It feels selfish.
Breathe.
Perhaps this is why I have not made the time to write, to confront this conflict and name it as it lives within me. Seeing the words on the screen bring tears to my eyes.
I know if I were speaking to someone else, someone I love, someone who I get the privilege to walk alongside, I would remind them that doing our work, loving ourselves, honoring our hearts, these things are not selfish, they are forms of resistance, in a world that constantly calls us to sacrifice for institutions that limit us and don’t love us, for people who want from us but not for us. This is not real community.
True community calls us into ourselves, supports us in steps that require courage, reminds us that who we are is worthy, and to honor ourselves provides a model of self-liberation that is as powerful as any thing else we can do.
I remember myself through writing.
It is why I haven’t made time and why I must make time.
This is why I must push against what has become “second nature” to return to my first nature, my most true self, my heart, which has begun to speak to me again, which has begun to dare to trust, to want, to choose.
Breathe.
In each act of choosing myself, I am choosing community, because I can best contribute to community in my own authenticity, as my full self, and with my full heart.
I remember.