I had dinner with my friend Cait last Wednesday night, on the eve of NCTE and we were near a store called House of Intuition where they sell crystals and candles. I was drawn to this one: Winter Solstice. It is not yet winter. I am not generally drawn to things of this color or candles in general, but I kept coming back to this candle.

The salesperson in the store said that the crystal in the candle was calling me to it. They remarked that my clothes matched the candle, which I hadn’t noticed. I turned the candle around and it had this empowering mantra, “I am steadfast in tending to my needs.”

I was similarly drawn to a small piece of Black Onyx.

The card next to the black onyx said, “Black Onyx is a stone of strength and guidance. In times of stress and loss, it allows us to maintain our grounding and not feel overwhelmed. The protective aspects of this stone take negative energy around us and transmute it into something more positive. With this stone, negativity becomes positivity, aggression becomes strength and apathy becomes perseverance.”

I typically am not one who believe in the power of crystals and candles.

And yet, I believe God (and the Universe) brings you what you need in the moment you need it, if you trust.

Oh dear friends, how I am struggling to tend to my needs. Even in the light of the obvious nature of them, I am hiding in the shadows, running from the peace and calm that God (and the Universe) wants me to have.

It has been a day after a weekend after a week after a month after a semester after a year after a lifetime of running away from the very things I am seeking.

Peace.

Freedom.

Light.

Community.

I know all of this is here for me in abundance.

But I must slow down.

I have to allow myself to have needs, to feel loss, to be present, if I am to transform my frantic pace into intentional pause.

“The Universe is providing resources and time, you do not need to rush in taking care of your needs in the dark of this Winter before the Spring brings a new dawn of possibility.”

Tomorrow is my mother’s birthday. She would have been 84 years old. It is the year of the Tiger. My mother was, ironically, a “Tiger Mother” although not in the sense that has been popularized. She was fiercely protective, strong and brave. She was brilliant, loving and kind. My mother was imperfect, but she was a model of humanity, of someone who always tried her best and supported others. She was a light. She continues to be a light to me.

I am often frantic in this time. I cannot focus. I feel lost as the light becomes less in the year and as the distance between my life with my mother and my life as a mother continues to grow. I become focused on controlling all the things. I don’t want anything to go wrong. Yet, I am acutely aware that the smallest and biggest of things can go wrong at any moment.

Maybe if I work harder, I can prevent tragedy this time. I have to believe I can do something to make things better.

This is the time when I am anything but “steadfast in tending to my needs.”

To tend to my needs, I must recognize them. To hold myself to them, I need accountability.

I need to rest.

I need to breathe.

I need to prioritize and set boundaries on work, which will, if I let it, consume me.

I need to trust.

I need to hydrate.

I need to write.

I need to reflect.

I need to hold space for myself, my grief, and my joy.

I need to listen to the ways I treat my family and make sure they are aligned to my love for them.

I need to listen to my body.

I need to feed myself even when I don’t want to eat.

I can be steadfast in attending my needs, if I let my community support me, if I listen to those who love me.

I must keep walking towards the light in this time of darkness even as my survival has been hidden in the shadows of solitude and fear.

“As industrious Autumn falls away, allow time to renew your energy. As the Sun enters Capricorn, allow its light to give you the patience to arrange and rebalance your home and sacred spaces. The Universe is providing resources and time…”