By nature, I have a very all-or-nothing, addictive, jump in with both feet and give all the things all the energy approach to life. This comes from the desperation of always wanting (or having) to be the best in order to prove myself worthy of love at all. But once this approach becomes internalized, it is just a part of one’s identity. Or, at least, it is a part of my identity.

This manifests in constantly seeking to attach myself to new things, to people, to conversations, to commitments that drain my energy.

I am exploring detachment. Or at least, investment in re-energizing commitments.

How do I take a step back to evaluate that which fills me and that which depletes me? How can I gain perspective? How do I do less so I can be fully present to being my best?

I am taking a breath.

Being all-in all the time is exhausting. It makes me inaccessible to everyone, at least at a deep level, and that troubles me, particularly with respect to those I love.

Don’t get me wrong. I am always as present and genuine as I can be with the people I choose to spend time with, but sometimes how present I can be is limited by all the things I have to do.

People ask how I am and I answer reflexively that I am well, that I am blessed, that I am making it, because those things are true. I know them.

But I feel sometimes like a shell of myself.

I am a deeply feeling person, and because of this, I am often doing all I can to avoid my feelings, instead of letting them guide me.

I scroll mindlessly because I cannot attend to my heart if my mind is taking in new information.

But this is exhausting.

I feel sometimes like a shell of myself.

The year after my mother died, I wrote in a journal every day. I do not remember why I stopped. Perhaps it is in the pages of the almost 30 year old journals that I still cannot bring myself to read.

I want to commit to writing personally again, to giving myself the gift of reflection, every day. Perhaps not publicly, but intentionally.

I am exploring detachment.

So what does it mean to commit to myself and detach from the necessity of mindless scrolling each day before bed? What does it mean to detach from external validation to seek internal understanding?

I don’t know….yet. But perhaps I’ll come to know in this year.