This picture of my dog sleeping is emblematic of my exhaustion over the past few days and weeks.
But/and, this picture is also a metaphor for the comfort I’ve found being in my new home — that even amidst the boxes and chaos of adjusting to a new era of my life and new circumstances, I find respite in the familiar (that which we’ve brought along) and in our community ties; the somewhat familiar (places I’ve visited in the last 6 months and people I’ve been building with, as I’ve been transitioning on my own); and moments of peace (which not having regular access to wifi at home brings).
It’s been a time of feelings.
For the month prior to move, friends I would meet with would often ask me how I was feeling about the move. Though feelings then would come and go, as we’ve made the journey to our new home in Seattle and begun to settle in, the feelings are coming, fast and furious, amplified by physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion. It is forcing me to let go of perfectionism in real time, to breathe and slow down, to give myself grace and make space, to hold on through the winds of change.
I am moved deeply by the generosity of friends and community — those who sent us on our way with gift cards to help us set up our new home, those who sent housewarming joy and pastries upon our arrival, those who have offered to help us with the move on both ends. It is in these times of transition that I am most likely to retreat internally, even when I know I need support externally, but I’ve been trying to push past this to graciously accept your love and generosity as it is offered, when I can. I’ve also been grateful to those who have waved from a distance, trusting I’ll reach out when I have the mental capacity to do so, which is not quite yet.
I am slowly finding a little bit of footing, some solid ground, and creating space to do the things that feel the most “me.” It is slow and it is hard to unlearn the inner critique that pushes me to push through it all, but I am working on it. It can also be challenging my conceptualization of myself is constantly evolving.
Evolution is good, as a personal and academic project, and I trust that the exhaustion will subside, that stability will come again, that community will go from bud to blossom. This is a journey, ever a journey. Grateful for this step.