Tag Archives: Time

Being Mindful of Time

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Photo by Xiao jinshi on Unsplash

It’s Friday morning, just after 8am, and I am already feeling quite behind on my day, in terms of time.

My husband is sick so I did kid drop-off. We were out of bread so I thought I’d stop by the store “quickly” to pick up a couple of things and then get a smoothie on the way home.

An hour and a half later, with a consulting deadline and other major work projects to complete, I’m feeling behind.

This has pretty much been my relationship with time for my whole life, or at least, the last 25 years of it.

I’m always behind. I’m always rushing.  There’s never enough time to get it all done.

I suppose that early loss has something to do with these thoughts, my hyper-awareness of time.  I don’t think it helps that I’m high strung and have a compulsive tendency towards overcommitment which, when combined with some level of competence, leads to “too much to do” all the time.

But, today, I am taking just a moment for mindfulness.  To let go of the fact that I should be in multiple places physically, virtually, mentally, and in terms of my work life, and to just be and breathe, exactly where I am.

Just breathe.

In reality, this presence will afford me much more (peace, time, sanity) than it costs me and help me to truly be mindful of my time.

Just breathe.

Moment by moment. Step by step. Day by day.

Just breathe.

Grace & Responsibility

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Photo by Jenu Prasad on Unsplash

As 2018 begins, I’ve been thinking more about responsibility rather than resolutions.

Martin Luther King Jr. Day is always an important beginning of the year reminder about my responsibility to keep pushing forward towards justice.  Mid-January is also an important time for me personally as it is a reminder of a time when I was very ill and had to take responsibility for my life and my choices, and work towards actively restoring my health. Yet, those reminders so often get lost in the busy-ness (and business) of starting a new semester, and I feel myself pulled towards overcommitment, doing a bunch of things, and being driven by tasks.

On my drive in to work today, these thoughts of responsibility swirling in my head, I realized that sometimes, I resist these reminders of my true commitments, and when I do, it is because I’ve taken on too many responsibilities in my life (FAR TOO OFTEN and non-judiciously), without according myself grace or space to consider that not every responsibility is mine.  I don’t know how to balance the tension between responsibility and humanity.  Everything is packed every minute. I must take advantage of every “opportunity,” such that it becomes a burden. Every time I make a mistake, I’ve dropped the ball and I’ve shown myself to be irresponsible.  I beat up on myself and sentence myself to the penance of more work.

On the same drive, this morning, I realized that I had forgotten something on my way to work and had to turn around (when I was almost to my office) to go home to grab it, putting me behind schedule.  In that moment, I flashed back to my irritation at my son, who also forgot something for a class recently (that I had to bring to him). In that moment, it struck me that I can’t extend grace to others when I don’t allow myself to make an occasional mistake.  Then a friend and colleague with whom I was meeting afforded me grace in regards to something I thought I had “dropped the ball on.” (Actually, this has happened several times recently!) I realized then that sometimes I think I need to do more than I actually need to do.

It’s actually not always that serious.

Not everything is my responsibility.

I’m human (and so is my son) and actually, since I’m responsible more times than not, people don’t actually see an oversight on my part as representative of every part of who I am (or as representative of my overwhelming irresponsibility).

I had to actually reflect on the fact that when people gracefully bow out of things that I had on my calendar, I actually feel relief and don’t say to myself, “Wow, they’re irresponsible.” I also had to reflect on the fact that all these things that I take on that I know I don’t need to be doing prevent me from being present to the very things that ARE my responsibility: a passion for teaching teachers; a passion for greater justice & equity in schools; my children.

Then, I reflected on the power of grace.  I need to remember to extend grace to myself and others. I’m sorting through many things.  I’ve dropped the ball more times than I normally do recently. But, things are going to be okay as long as I’m clear where I’m going, I keep moving forward, I keep acknowledging my humanity and I keep being responsible for what I take on.  I need to make more powerful choices with my time and be kind(er) to myself when I (inevitably) take on too much or take on the wrong thing.  It’s part of growing and learning.

So, grace and responsibility, and negotiating tension.  Sounds like plenty to take on in 2018.

On How to Be When There is Something to Do

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Photo by Lesly Juarez on Unsplash

Part of my hope for 2018 is that it will be a year with more space.

I appreciate having fewer plans and more empty space because it allows for more time for creativity, and more opportunities for restoration and reflection.

However, often empty space on my calendar leads to hours of lost time on social media and feeling like I didn’t “get anything done.”

I am generally all about productivity, which is a good thing to be about as an academic who is also a mother since there is almost always a demand on my time.  I can take one day for restoration like yesterday but after a single day, I start getting antsy, and even yesterday, I still got a bunch of stuff done, I just felt more zen about it because I lit a candle and didn’t have anything planned afterwards.

So, here I am today, with a 4pm presentation scheduled (so there’s something upcoming to do and I need to stay in “get things done” and  “be professionally competent” mode), dinner in the crockpot, 4.5 miles run, a section of a new paper written, a bunch of articles downloaded for the lit review for that paper, a homemade rainstick (because I can’t find mine and I’m presenting on classroom management strategies) crafted, and a sneaking suspicion that I am supposed to be doing or that there are millions of things I should be doing in the next hour and 20 minutes before I need to leave.

Then I remember to breathe and blog.

This time is a gift.  So, I could stop and ask myself what I’d like to do with it.  That would be new and different.  But good and different.

So, I’m going to light a candle and make another cup of tea, check on the crockpot and that e-mail that came in while I was blogging, maybe put on some classical music and read something.  I can do this. This is what I want to do. Or it won’t be and I can give myself permission to veg out on social media.  It’s just an hour.

Working on being me instead of doing me this year. It’s a work in progress.

With the Time You Are Given

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It’s tenure file time around my university.  Having finally made the decision not to go up early, the deadline is not looming over me, but I do have friends and colleagues going up who have been updating me on their progress as they reach the finish line and submit their files.  One of my dearest friends and colleagues started her narrative with the question, “What will you do with the days you have been given?” and I thought this was the perfect topic for reflection this week.

I was thinking while driving yesterday (a dangerous thing for an academic as I’m liable to keep driving past my destination) and conceptualizing what I hope will be my next research study.  My mind automatically went to what the simplest study would be for me to conduct, related to a topic that I find relatively interesting in an area in which I know there’s relatively little scholarship to date.

After attending a meeting of my church’s social justice committee, however, my friend’s words struck me, “What am I DOING with the days (in academia) that I have been given?” Is my research a reflection of what’s important to me? Of my real life’s work? Does it represent who I am as a person? Or is my scholarship safe and somewhat divorced from my core commitments? Do I do the work that is easiest for me to do (for a variety of reasons) or the work that pushes me to be the person I want to be? This led to some furious brainstorming of a different study/ topic that I’m passionate about, combining my life’s work with my core passions and commitments around teacher support, development and issues of equity.

I realize this isn’t the first time that this tension has arisen for me.  Before accepting my first teaching position, I was encouraged to apply for a position at the middle school where I student-taught.  Though diverse, this school had more of a suburban feel and higher performing population than the urban site where I ended up accepting a job.  I would have loved teaching at my student teaching site, and it would have been great, but it wouldn’t have felt authentic to my core commitments.  It would have been doing good work, but not necessarily MY WORK.

And that’s something I’m growing in and towards–knowing what my work is and how I want to put myself out there in the world, as a person, an academic, a professor, a lifelong learner, a person of faith, a mother, etc. It’s a life of inquiry.  But there’s nothing else I’d rather do with the time I’ve been given.

Investing Wisely

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Today, has been a hard day.  It’s been hard because of my beliefs about investing time and energy and my commitment to enacting those beliefs.

Yesterday, I wrote about my introduction posts and how I seek to create community before students even enter the classroom.  Part of that involves a series of activities, the introduction posts being one, that invite students to choose powerfully to be in my courses.  One of the greatest things about being part of a large post-secondary teacher education program is that my students have choices. And, if students are going to spend a semester with me, I want them to choose to do so with an open mind and an understanding of the commitment that the course requires.  I do not think I am the best professor for everyone.  My classes require a lot of investment, because I invest a lot into them.  However, I believe that there is a great return on investment.  I work with each of my students where they are and support them to grow over the semester.  That starts by knowing who they are and where they are, often, and by caring about their stories.

People often ask me, “So, how do you do this and keep your time investment manageable.” The real answer is that I don’t.  I wish that there was a magic way to invest less time and energy into my teaching, but there isn’t.  I respond to every single introductory discussion board post (at least 80).  Today, I spent over an hour trying to counsel a student into a better section to fit her needs after reading her initial assignment in which she expressed concerns about the format of my class.  I read all my exit slips (sometimes I retweet them). I tinker with my course every semester.  I give extensive feedback within 24-48 hours of assignments being submitted.  I know, it’s crazy making, but I believe in investing time up front so that my teacher candidates can improve as they progress in their journey.

Where you invest, you promote growth.  Like in monetary investment, of course, there isn’t always a return on your investment.  You devote time and energy and effort and it seems lost or wasted.  However, if you never take the time to invest, there is no chance for full development. At times, as with monetary investment, you run out of your capital (time, energy, etc.), so you’ve got to take capital from another, perhaps equally important, place, and decide where to invest it.  In those moments everything seems like a worthy investment, or perhaps, an urgent investment, so sometimes, in desperation, you throw your capital towards the first thing that comes up.

But, sometimes, you pause. You reflect. And you remember how precious your resources are and that you can’t contribute without self-care.

I still have a lot to do today, but the most important thing is investing a few precious moments in reflection, self-care, and reminding myself of the love of others and my good fortune to be where I am.