Tag Archives: Self-care

Growth

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Today was a breakthrough day, in what has been a breakthrough school year.  I have committed to learning Mandarin (my heritage language), reclaiming my time, and making healthier choices in my life.  These things are remarkably uncomfortable.  They force me to move from my comfortable, but futile, state of perpetual busyness to be present to new challenges that push me towards growth.  This is not easy. Some days all I feel are growing pains.  But other days, I can hear, see, and even smell the growth I am engaging in. And I am recording this here to remind myself and to share with those who might read this blog.  Growth is possible, but it isn’t easy.

A slide from a meeting at my son’s Chinese school today

This morning, after a somewhat frantic morning dog walk to our local bakery which almost made us late to my son’s second day of Chinese school, he and I arrived on campus.  He went to class and I went to a meeting (that I had just remembered was happening a few hours before) about AP Chinese & the SAT-II Chinese test.  As those of you who have followed my Mandarin journey know that I dread any meeting at my son’s Chinese school.  Two weeks ago, in his first week of class parent meeting, I understood about 50% and walked away proud.  Today, dear reader, between Google Translate, my background knowledge of the SAT-II and AP Language/Culture tests and the new vocabulary I’ve learned this semester (which happens to be about tests, school & levels), I understood almost 85% of what was going on.  There were a few words that I didn’t get, but I really, really comprehended what was going on, in Mandarin.  It was amazing. It is the first time in my adult life this has ever happened in a real world setting.

Weekend reading for #Ghostsintheschoolyard chat this week

After the meeting, I went to the grocery store and had some extra time before I needed to pick up my son (but not enough time to make the round trip home) so I began reading Eve L. Ewing’s Ghosts in the Schoolyard for a Twitter chat that I’m excited to participate in next week.  This is the second weekend in a row that I’ve read something of my choosing, not directly for my work (although I’m an educator, and teacher educator, so almost everything can relate to my work).  I actually love to read but have relegated myself to reading academic articles and whatever crosses my social media feeds, so reading books is actually pretty extraordinary for me, and I’m remembering my love for reading.

Chicken roasting in Instant Pot for dinner, to be accompanied by sweet potato fries & salad

This afternoon, I did get a few things done for tomorrow (for work), but then spent an hour playing with my daughter and started roasting a chicken in my instant pot.  Cooking and making food that I’m proud to eat and that can last for a few meals during the semester is a pretty big breakthrough too.

I guess all of this to say that change and growth are possible, even after 40 years of seeking endless external validation through production.

Or perhaps, I’m saying, “Winner, winner, chicken dinner” 🙂

Self-Care, Preservation, Resistance: Dr. Hsieh’s Final Reflection Summer 2019

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Shoutout to the amazing Dr. Angela Chen of https://doctoradesigns.com who makes these amazing & empowering bracelets

Whew!

It’s the end of an incredibly intense 6-week summer session of my preservice Reading & Writing in Secondary Schools course.  And so, it’s time for my final reflection.

I try to reflect at the end of each semester/ course, in line with what I ask my own students to do, to think about our learning in our time together. However, this time, I haven’t blogged since the end of the spring semester, just over 6 weeks ago, because the last 6 weeks have just been that intense.

In addition to working with 18 amazing teacher candidates from a variety of single-subject specializations (it was a small class because summer school is expensive) in a super-packed 8 hour/ week (broken up into 2 4-hour sessions from 6-10pm on Tu/Th nights) course, during the last 6 weeks, I have wrapped up my spring student teaching placements (yes, during summer school because K-12 & university calendars aren’t aligned), been de facto “mom camp” for my 13 year old, written the bulk of 3 research conference proposals (and contributed to 1-2 others), contributed to 2 co-authored peer reviewed articles, begun work on another co-authored peer reviewed article, reviewed an article and a tenure file, written a letter of support and several letters of recommendation, been to my first 2-day retreat/ board meeting for a state teacher education network, co-facilitated the teacher educator strand of the amazing Institute for Teachers of Color committed to Racial Justice (ITOC), lost my dear uncle and gone to his memorial service, attended the year 2 institute by the Center for Reaching & Teaching the Whole Child and presented (virtually) on a digital equity panel at the International Society for Technology in Education conference. We’ve also been bowling, to the aquarium, and to the dentist twice with my 4-year old (she’s got the bad genes with teeth, sadly).  I’m sure there are other things.  I can’t remember them now because, well, I’m tired.

At ITOC this year, I was inspired to buy another Doctora bracelet. Last year at ITOC, I bought one that simply said, “Be Present,” because my goal last year was to working on being wherever I am.  This year, because I know that I am doing too much, I bought a bracelet that said, “Self-Care, Preservation, Resistance.”  This is such an important symbolic reminder to myself.  I have been doing anything but self-care for the last 6 weeks and have gone into full on, super-mom, survival mode.  It’s not only not good for me emotionally, but it led me to a 2-week cold, with no voice for one of those weeks.

I know it’s too much and I am tired. Actually, I’m exhausted, unmotivated and often on the verge of tears.

I know myself and know that I can’t give less than 100% to everything I do (I’ve tried. It just doesn’t really work) without a feeling of extreme guilt and shame, but I can’t really go on the way I’ve been operating for the last 6 weeks.  I’ve come to this point before and I recommit to taking on less so I have enough room to give more.  But then, things feel freer, I feel better, I take on more, and the cycle starts again.

It’s hard. I never know what to give up. I don’t know how to give myself more time for an extended period of time, for any reason other than exhaustion. I don’t know which hard lines to draw in the sand.  I don’t know when to say enough is enough, so I usually let illness do it for me. This is not self-care, preservation and resistance.

So, I come back to my class this summer.  This summer, I had to be flexible and adaptive.  It was too much to cram a 15-week course into 6 weeks.  Even with relatively similar hours, the cognitive load was too much, with not enough processing time.  I had to be true to myself. I had to cut things out in order for my students to get the most out of this course. In honoring who they are and their life commitments, sometimes, I needed to extend grace.  And, because of many circumstances beyond my own control, sometimes I needed to extend grace to myself. We made it.  Many of them told me they learned a lot.  Some of them told me it was the best class they’d taken in the credential program.  One of them told me it was the best class she’d ever taken.

It was okay to cut some things out. It was hard, but in the end, it was better, because we all need the space to breathe, and we needed compassion to grow.

This is my hardest journey: self-care, preservation & resistance.  It is a journey that, at one point, almost cost me my life. I don’t want to go back to that place or that time.  I want to move forward purposefully. Align my activities with my objectives, just like in the best lesson plans.

It only gets easier with practice, and with each mistake, I learn something new.  I will get it, in community, with the support of those around me.  I will learn because I am committed to learning and practicing until I get better, because it’s important and because I am important.

And I am grateful to be in a profession, and living a life, that encourages constant self-reflection to keep going and keep growing.  I will keep going and keep growing.

Self-care, preservation, resistance.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Keep moving forward.

Doing the Work: Focusing on Thriving — A Post-#AERA19 Reflection

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I just returned from Toronto and the 2019 meeting of the American Educational Research Association.  AERA, for many years, was exhausting, in a way that constituted a seemingly endless search to figure out who I was.  I would often reconnect with friends from graduate school or would connect with scholars whose work I admired, and I would wonder why I wasn’t doing what they were doing, how I could do more, be more, do something different, be someone different, make more time for research, apply the theoretical to my practical.  I would leave feeling conflicted about who I was and the work I was doing.

This year (and last year to some degree) was different.  This year, AERA, while always full and exhausting, was a time of embracing my professional identity, learning from others, refueling, connecting, and getting clear on the work that there is to do.  It also was a time where I was able to see myself through the interactions that I had with others, one of which (Thank you, Sunny!) encouraged me to take the time to write this blog.  I realized that people are reading what I write, learning from my work, and that I have community.  I learned that doing work that honors who I am is not theoretical, but personal, practical and important, with the potential for structural and transformational impact.  I learned that raising my voice is not only important, but essential, in challenging the normative ideologies and practices that, in the words of Bettina Love, spirit murder Black children.

My work, I know, focuses on teachers of color, and Asian American teachers/teacher educators in P-16 spaces.  It focuses on challenging dominant narratives of who teachers (and teacher educators) of color are and what they do, to begin unpacking the complexities of how they navigate and survive in a system not made for them, not made for us.  My work focuses on giving voice to complexity.  My writing (including this blog) reveals the complexities of being a mother-scholar, critical Asian American scholar, teacher-scholar, heritage language learner-scholar, advocate for equity-scholar, anti-anti-Black scholar, co-conspirator scholar among many other parts of my identity.

It is good work.  It is important work.

But this AERA, more than ever, I realized that it is work that will consume me and that could destroy me, if I do not commit to doing the work of thriving and promoting personal and professional sustainability.  As I work to grow as a mentor and as a learner, I am so clear that I need to grow in boundary setting.  There are no shortages of opportunities.  The work is so important.  But, so is my 4-year old who told me this morning as we were cuddling before she went off to preschool how much she missed having someone lay next to her as she fell asleep.  So is my 13-year old telling me about rock climbing in Joshua Tree and appreciating the maple flavored treats I brought home from this trip.  So is my sleep-deprived partner, who always encourages me to do the work and follow my passions. They are also my passions. Even more importantly, they are my heart.

And honestly, so is my time to reflect and to write, both for formal work and for reflective learning.  So is the space to be vulnerable, to be present to the life I have created and am creating.

From that place, we can all grow. It is all the work, but I must commit to prioritizing the work of living for my voice to feel its power.  That is the work, the humanizing work, that helps me see the people in my studies, to hear their voices, to support the co-construction of their stories, to make a difference.

And figuring out that work is such an important place to be.

Side-lined

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I miss running.

I haven’t been able to run in 19 days.

I really shouldn’t have run for a few weeks before that, but I was training for the Surf City Half Marathon, and despite some nagging hip pain, I figured I could just push through it and finish the race, then rest a couple of weeks and get back to it, since I have another race scheduled at the end of March and then again at the beginning of May.

And then I ran injured, and pretty much felt like I was manually lifting my left leg from the hip joint through searing pain with every stride for the last 2 miles.  I still managed to finish just a couple minutes behind my time from last year for the race, but about 8 minutes off my time from Long Beach in October and with the clear realization that I wasn’t going to be running again for awhile.

I was limping badly for at least 10 days after the race.

The last 9 days, with support up stairs and with weight bearing, I’ve been able to walk almost normally.  I feel the difference in my gait and my husband sees it, but most people who don’t know me can’t really tell that there’s still pain occasionally.

But, I can’t run.  I tried jogging down my hallway yesterday, and there was pain.  I even instinctively ran after my husband (as the garage door was closing) when he forgot his coffee on the stairs. Pain. I can’t even really walk quickly and going up and down stairs is still hit and miss.

Sigh.

I hate being sidelined. I hate breaking my routine.  I really only like resting when I sleep or go on vacation. Not running has made me more irritable, exhausted, and scattered.  I’m sad, and I miss it. It is especially hard (ironically) when I have so many other things going on in my life because running is my time to not think, but just be.  It is the time where I am in motion, but not in deep thought.  I am just being.  And I need that space to be.

I’m finally going to see my doctor today. I’m hoping that she’ll refer me to a specialist that can help me get back on the road again sometime soon.  I imagine it’s just more a waiting game.

For now, it is an opportunity to develop my patience game, more patience with myself, more patience with my body, acceptance of what is, even if I don’t like it and can’t do anything about it.  It is an opportunity to really work on being without doing, even without running.

Sigh.

Take Good Care

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It’s been a rough weekend.

When I think about it, it’s just been a busy weekend that wasn’t much of a weekend.  I had a work commitment from 9-3 on Saturday then went straight to church then stayed for a Social Justice committee meeting.  All of this was great and would have been fine except that my husband, who rarely gets sick, was ill, and even sick, had to take my son to Tae Kwon Do practice and my daughter to a birthday party.  By the time I got home, he was down for the count, leaving me to do his usual chores (dog walk, dishes) in addition to my chores (folding laundry) and, of course, because I saw my brother’s post about doing his taxes, I realized that I should probably get my own done.

Sunday was a little better, but with my husband still sick, I shuttled my son to Chinese school, took my daughter to Target, took care of all 3 meals and 2 dog walks, made sure to confirm interviews for a research study this week and student teaching appointments, had a long talk with my son about an inappropriate comment at dinner, and finally settled in to finished our taxes, which, not completely unexpectedly, show that we owe the government quite a bit more than last year because of changes to the tax laws. Sigh.

I still cannot run as my hip flexor area continues to bother me up and down stairs and when I walk too fast or put too much weight on it.  I suspect that I have bursitis, but am hoping rest will help me to avoid a cortisone shot to relieve the pain.  In the meantime, I’m still half limping around and not getting the exercise I so badly need.

I haven’t been blogging much either and I’ve been spending a lot of spare moments lurking on social media.

I know all of these are yellow flags — signaling a warning that I’m overcommitted, overwhelmed, and looking for mindless escape.  The yellow flags remind me that, in spite of not having very many breaks in my schedule all week, despite it being Valentine’s Day week, Nate’s 13th birthday week, and Gospel Fest on Saturday, I need to create some space for rest and reflection, again, even if the words aren’t so profound.

So, as I planned my week this week, I have one goal: Take better care of myself.  I need to check in, take the time that I need, eat better, sleep better, breathe. Go slow to go fast.  Access those resources on letting go that my friend reminded me about.  Focus, pray, breathe, eat, rest, let go.

Take good care.

Turning Writing Into Practice

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My last few posts have been pretty heavy, and very emotional.

While things are looking better for my family and myself, in so many ways, after the past week, I sat down this morning in front of my computer thinking about one blog topic (another heavy one on xenophobia, the “blindness” of people to how “English only” type rhetoric is imperialist and thereby problematic, taking a toll on one’s social-emotional well-being by asking immigrants and ethnic minorities to disconnect from their cultural and linguistic heritage, and my frustration at the whole thing because it holds up white supremacy), but I just couldn’t.

I just don’t have the energy today.

So, then I was thinking that I would not blog.  This thinking was helped along by the fact that I couldn’t upload a photo when I started this post. I have plenty of writing projects to work on and other things to do. Not blogging would not be a big deal.

What to do? My friend, Em, quoting Yogi Berra, says, “When you reach a fork in the road, take it…”

Instead, I took a deep breath, always helpful in deciding what to do next.

Since I still can’t run, blogging is my “keystone practice.” It is my habit, first thing in the morning, that allows me to begin my day with time to reflect and time for myself, before the work of meeting everyone else’s expectations begins.

I quit my browser to see if restarting it would help the photo upload issue, which it did, and I began on this blog.  Not heavy or deep.  Not profound. Just practice. Just a commitment to start my day for and with myself.

And perhaps that is profound.  Perhaps, it is important to reclaim my right to my time even if it doesn’t always look the way that I think it should.  Perhaps, it is important to step away, occasionally, from the heavy conversations when I just can’t listen or educate from my depleted emotional well, knowing that it will leave me more ready to have those conversations from a place of compassion and openness later.  Perhaps, it is important to practice this type of slowing down, of non-traditional self-care, of listening to what would serve me best.  Perhaps, indeed.

What Does Self-Care Really Mean?

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We’re moving towards the end of the 30-day writing/blogging challenge I’m doing with my friends, Wes, Darlene & Anna, and it’s been a powerful month of self-reflection.  I’m definitely ready to engage (and I have been engaging already) in other types of writing, but developing a habit or discipline of public blogging each day has been important.  It forces me to stop, sit and think about what I want to say to the world, and what’s on my mind on any given day.

Today, what’s on my mind is how to really care for myself.  I wrote a list of my favorite things early in the challenge and as I was reviewing it this morning, I could see that being with those people, in those places, with those things, focused on those ideas, definitely is engaging in self-care.

But, while some of the people, places, things and ideas are easily integrated or clearly a part of my everyday life, I don’t always feel like I’m caring for myself, even when I’m engaged with my favorite things. In fact, self-care has even more to do with who and how I’m being towards myself than who or what is around me.  I mean it is called “self” care.

Example: I could be comfortably sitting in my home (one of my favorite places) with my family (some of my favorite people) with fresh cut flowers sitting on the table and a cup of tea next to me (some of my favorite things).  Surrounded by joy and love (two of my favorite ideas),  I could still be incredibly stressed, not present and silently beating up on myself.

Why am I beating myself up?

I am focused on what is left to do, what hasn’t been done, what I should have said no to, what should have gone differently.  I am mean to myself, lacking self-compassion, and, often, I am exhausted.

I could be doing all the things right, in terms of engaging in actions of self-care, but if I don’t have self-love and self-compassion, if I’m not present, it not only feels empty, but it is incredibly frustrating.  I mean, here I am, surrounding myself with all the things that should make me feel relaxed and happy, and I’m just exhausted and angry (at myself).

Many times, I am my own worst enemy on this front.

So what have I learned?

  1. Self-care isn’t always my favorite thing(s).  Sometimes, it is the discipline of drinking enough water, eating the foods that make me feel good, moving (even on days I’m not running) and getting enough sleep.
  2. I have, for 24 years, since the day my mother died, over scheduled myself and taken on too much as ways to not only feel like I’m productive and worthy, but also to avoid thinking about things that make me sad or frustrated.  This doesn’t work.  And, it’s detrimental to my well-being because I can’t be present to moments of joy.  I’m not beating myself up about this.  It was, for many, many years, the way that I survived, and I’m grateful for my survival.  But, surviving and thriving are not the same goal.  And self-care is an integral part of thriving.  So, I need to continue working on saying no, committing less, and taking things off of my plate. If I disappoint some people, as inevitably will happen, it will be okay.  I will, at least, work on not being disappointed in myself for my humanity.
  3. It’s going to take time.  Self-care and self-compassion can be commitments, but it’s not like I can undo 40-years of mental self-flagellation in 30 days of writing (or even 40).  I also just can’t see myself going to some other extreme where I eschew all responsibilities and become flaky.  That would just lack integrity.  So, I’m going to have to experiment and work on it, noting what works and what doesn’t and moving towards the goal, slowly but surely.

All of that, I’m coming to be okay with.  I am taking a deep breath, rereading this post, and acknowledging that I’m moving in the right direction.  And that has made all the difference.

Reconciliation

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This morning, I return home to my family after a wonderful weekend visiting my friend Yafa, outside of Seattle.  I really love the Seattle area. But, it’s been 8 years since I’ve been here. The last time I was here was during one of the hardest periods of my life, and there was a lot of pain and trauma associated with that visit and that time period.

And so, today, I am grateful for reconciliation.

The situation that I was responding to 8 years ago is deeply personal and hasn’t really gotten better.  In many ways, it’s gotten worse, although in others, through time and distance, I’ve healed from the direct impact of that time in many ways.  This trip was a good indicator of how far I’ve come in terms of being present and letting the past be the past.

I am grateful for reconciliation.

This trip was full of peace and joy. It was free and easy. It was beautiful and loving. It was simple with abundant friendship, healthy and delicious food, time for reflection and stillness.

I am grateful for reconciliation.

What I’ve realized in writing this refrain is that sometimes reconciliation doesn’t come in resolution of complicated and heart-breaking situations.  Sometimes reconciliation must be a deeply personal journey in which we move forward, accepting what was and what is, and finding the joy in people and places that are present with us now, that help us live in the moment we are in, that help us visit old places with new eyes.

I am grateful for reconciliation.

As I head home today, I know I’ll return again to Seattle before another 8 years goes by.  I will do so with the fullness of all my experiences in the area — the hard moments and the joyous moments; the darkness (especially in the winter!) and the light, the pain and the joy. Seattle is, perhaps, just a city, but it is also a symbol, of the inner reconciliation that I have been experiencing in multiple parts of my life — choosing what to let go so that I can take in new experiences, breathing deeply to honor what has past and what will come, being calmer and clearer, in the face of an unknown future and a challenging past.

Being here.

I am grateful for reconciliation.

Beginning a New Year

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I’d like to read and write more this year — in quantity, time, genre, and frequency.

I’d like to be more intentional with my time and energy. I hope to be more present with those I love and more deliberate with my choices in relation to technology.  I hope to use my time wisely to support my goals and those I care about around me. I’d like to do more of the things that bring me joy, and fewer of the things that I feel obligated to do because I’m good at them. I’d like to act with conviction and certainty.

I’d like to be kinder to myself.  I’d like to make self-care a priority, and take the time and space that I need to do what I know works for my physical, mental and spiritual health. I’d like to feel less guilt and let go of that which I will inevitably feel more quickly.

I’d like to set better boundaries and stick to them.

I’d like to pray more, reflect more, think more.

I’d like to cook more, eat more delicious food, explore new places, help my children to experience new things, and be open to change.

Will you join me? I’m pretty sure I’ll need the accountability to transform these desires into realities.

No matter what you’d like to do in 2019, I hope that you bring all of your best intentions to fruition this year.

Ending the Year with Love

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12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. — Colossians 3:12-14 (New International Version)

I don’t tend to bring my faith (explicitly) into this blog a lot, but it’s something that’s important to me and fitting to end this year.  This past weekend, the message at my church service was on finishing the year strong with love, and I wanted to spend a few moments reflecting on this, on the last day of the year.

Whether you’re a person of faith or not, when I read the passage above, I think about the many privileges that I have and how important it is to use those privileges to act with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, and love.  2018 has been a year full of opportunities to either respond in anger or reactiveness or to act with compassion, kindness and patience.

Something I’ve learned in 2018, particularly, is that all of these qualities (compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiveness and love) don’t mean that I’m not also fiercely advocating for justice.  In fact, how can we express true compassion and love without advocating for justice? But, what these qualities (when I’m able to embody them) do help me to do is remember that each person, as an individual, is operating from their own perspectives, biases and lenses, within social and societal structures.  If I can speak and listen to them, particularly with the people I know personally, and their humanity, they are more likely to hear what I’m saying.  Will we still disagree with each other?  Since I’ve considered my beliefs carefully and hold on to them strongly, yes, we probably will, on that point.  But, does it mean we can’t coexist peacefully and respectfully? In most cases, no. And, honestly, on the individual level, I’ve been pleasantly surprised at the common ground we can find when we have conversations with one another across perspectives.

There are exceptions to this, where I can still hold love for the person, but in order to be compassionate to myself, I can’t interact with that person anymore, and that’s something that I’ve also learned in 2018. Sometimes, I need to walk away. Sometimes, I need not to respond.  Sometimes, the most loving thing to do is to leave a toxic situation. Sometimes, I do best to remember that change that makes an impact is structural and not individual, and I need to use my energy to dismantle structures, rather than focusing solely (or even primarily) on changing individual hearts.

Because I am trying always to embody the qualities mentioned above, I give away my time and energy in ways that aren’t actually compassionate, kind or loving to myself. I struggle most with being patient, forgiving and humble where there’s something that I need to get done or someone who needs more help than I can give.  I need to remember that I can’t be all things to all people (humility!) and that I can’t be anything to anyone, if I’m not first engaging in self-preservation.  And that’s challenging.  It’s something I need to continue to work on balancing as I move into 2019.

As this Biblical passage goes on, it talks about being grateful.  And, I am so grateful, for my community, that journeys alongside me, in life, and online, that remind me to be compassionate and kind, humble and gentle, patient and loving, to others and to myself.  I wish you all the best that 2019 has to offer and hope you end 2018 in peace, joy, and love.